Eve Online: Great Story! - EVE Online

Slayer Tactical Officer Posts: 869	Posted on Thu Jul 15, 2004 5:34 pm "Hello, sir." She smiled uneasily and looked back down, pretending to return to whatever activity she had been pursuing before I entered her life. I made the decision that if she came within 10 feet of me, I would have to kill her and hide the body in the shadows, where no patrolling librarians would ever dare looking. I strolled over to the red phone without incident or bother, and noticed that there was no chair to accomodate anybody who might want to place an urgent telephone call regarding erotica. I glanced back to the center of the library, with its abundant tables and plush chairs. I pondered for a second whether or not it was worth the risk, but my stream of thought was broken instantly by a loud ringing sound. I looked down at my watch. He was 24 seconds early. [ This message was edited by: Slayer on 2004-07-16 01:03 ]


Slayer Tactical Officer Posts: 869	Posted on Thu Jul 15, 2004 5:35 pm Part 11 I let the phone ring two times before picking up the receiver. "You're early." I could feel a wicked pulse beginning to radiate through the cord, rapidly working its way toward my inner ear canal. I held the phone a good 6 inches away, afraid that his voice might infect my very soul. What I next heard confirmed my gravest fears; the raspy noise emitted from this banana shaped object sunk to the depths of my heart, and would haunt my dreams for months afterward. If Beelzebub himself was an angry 600 pound man with a lisp, he would be Thoggins. "I count on the element of surprise. Now let's get one thing straight: we aren't friends, we aren't buddies, we aren't even acquaintances, so don't run any of your bullshit on me. We're two strangers in a business deal, and that's it. I think you're a two-faced son of a bitch with an agenda, but that doesn't change the fact that your deal APPEARS to be legitimate and is the only thing going on the player market." He was breathing heavily, his lungs desperately grabbing for the heroic air molecules that would be pumped through his evil, bloated arteries. I reciprocated his action by breathing heavily as well, but for an entirely different reason. My fists tightened, my teeth slowly grinded against each other, and my eyes burned. I wouldn't allow myself to sabotage hundreds of millions of credits for a small amount of ego gratification. I just wouldn't. "I'm sorry if I said anything that would lead you to think that. I'm just trying to arrange a mutually beneficial deal here, ya know?" "No, I don't. But I called to talk business, so let's talk business. I want to be the first in line to get that battleship, and I know that according to the contract you set up, the biggest investor not only gets the first copy, but he also gets the original blueprint. So tell me, who's the biggest investor, and how much has he invested? And you had BETTER not lie to me, because I have my ways of checking up on people. If I find out that you have been lying, the first thing I'll do is persuade the other investors to withdraw, sending your little blueship pool crashing down. The second thing I'll do is put you and your entire newbie corporation on my kill list, and believe me, you do NOT want to be on my kill list." I was about to scream back at him, call him a fat fuck, tell him he was a worthless piece of shit, anything to express my intense anger and dislike. But the Great Magnet was looking down upon me, and the familiar pull dragged me above my rage. I glimpsed over my shoulder, and saw a girl looking squarely at me. I was perplexed for a moment, but then I realized, so was she: here was this guy standing near the erotica section in short running shorts, talking on a red phone that looks like it might be used to inform NORAD of an impending nuclear attack. I did what I could to not laugh, and responded to Sata, er, Thoggins' question. "The biggest investor would be me. I've put 180 million isk, nearly all of my savings, into this deal." "Oh. So if I were to put more than that in, I would not only get the first copy, but I would get the original blueprint as well?" His deception was thinner than Calista Flockhart's wrists. His intent was to put in the 200 million, then demand the original blueprint, possibly obtain it, and make for the hills without producing so much as a single copy. If he did produce any copies, I was absolutely certain that they would only be sold for an exorbitant price. "That's right." "I'll put 181 million isk in then." "I'm sorry, but there is a required interval of 20 million credits for any marginal investment increase above 60 million. If you look, it's in the contract. So if you want to be the highest investor, you'd have to put in 200 million." "200 million? You want 200 million you greedy bastard? FINE!" The recognizable sound of a phone being flung in rapid motion through the air broadcasted itself into my ear, followed by an even more recognizable click. My heart raced, my spirit soared, and a sudden sensation of green enthusiasm overtook me. I was rich, RICH, RICH BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS ! I slammed the phone down and turned away, dashing out of the library into the open day. My cheeks were aflame; my body was aglow; my limbs were trembling. On and on I strode, far out over the roads, singing wildly to the sky, crying to greet the advent of wealth that had cried to me. On and on and on and on! The possibilities for my newly acquired wealth were endless! I continued on, walking nowhere, for I had no destination other than the boundless gates of the infinite. I halted suddenly and heard my heart in the silence. How far had I walked? What time was it? My stomach churned, and the whiff of fries hung heavy in the air. A pair of golden arches loomed in the horizon, their breastlike curves beckoning me on. My appetite was aroused, and it was time to eat. After my banquet, it would be time to collect. Part 12 My stomach burned with the heat of a thousand infernos. The Big Mac I had eaten in celebration of my victory was now tearing its way through my intestinal lining, one membrane at a time. The freedom fries supplemented its attack on my stomach walls, like fighter ships from an enemy carrier. My digestive system would be triumphant, but not without a fight. The weight in my stomach grew heavier with each step, but I pressed on. It was getting dark out, and I had to make it home soon, I had to get those credits, and I had to make off like a the night. After a painful march, I arrived. I sat down, logged onto AIM, and was barraged with a flurry of messages. HardHead: Hey, can I wire those credits now? I wanna secure my spot in the pool. I?ve been waiting for you all day, it?s about time you got home. Me: Okay, go ahead and do it. I?ll be on Eve in a bit to verify that the credits were sent. Jorpho: Hello. The other investors and I have been waiting for you; we want to send the isk quickly so you can buy the blueprint and get to work. If I understand correctly, do you now have all the isk you need? Me: No; we?re still 100 million isk short of our goal since Alltech hasn?t come through yet. I?ve invested everything I have into this deal, but I can still borrow up to 40 million from the members of my corporation. It all depends, I suppose, on how Alltech votes. Jorpho: Oh, I talked to Magnulus. They were in the process of voting a few hours ago, I haven?t heard from him since. Me: Hmm.. Okay, I?ll check my email. You can go ahead and wire the money, I?ll be on Eve in a bit. Thoggins: Go into Eve, and I?ll send you the isk. Don?t do anything stupid with it, or I?ll have to act on my threats. You have no idea how serious I am about this. Me: Okay. A euphoric daze passed over me briefly as reality dawned anew. I would be scamming this prick out of his money, out of 200 million of his preciously farmed credits, and he wouldn?t be able to do a damn thing about it. I could envision his parents? house being surrounded by SWAT teams. The county police chief would be holding a megaphone, shouting into it. ?Thoggins! COME OUT OF THE BASEMENT NOW WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR. DO NOT MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.? He would emerge, a short fat man wearing a flowing black trench coat and dark Oakley sunglasses. His hands would be in his pockets, and he would loudly proclaim, ?The library workers are all dead! Dead! They stole my money, so I killed them with my bare hands, and I will kill all of you too!? He would then start to pull something out of his pocket, and the entire LAPD SWAT team would open fire on him. The 9 millimeter hollow-point bullets would penetrate his soft flesh and expand, creating large breaches in each of his vital organs. They would continue to shoot through his body and exit out his back, leaving a gaping hole that would spurt out blood and various torn off chunks of cartilage. They would keep pumping round after round into his fallen, disfigured mass, making sure that he was good and dead. And when they finally got around to investigating the body, they would find out that he was reaching for a pumped super soaker pistol filled with laundry detergent. The police chief would then say, ?Well boys, ain?t that an ace in the hole!? They would laugh, raid his house for small bills, and finish off the day at Scarlet?s strip club. I opened up Outlook, eagerly checking for a new email from Magnulus. Finally, I found it. Dear Nightfreeze, After much debate and reflection, and a narrow vote, my corporation has decided that it would be in our best interest to invest in your Apocalypse blueprint pool. Since, as you repeatedly noted, it will take well over a month for a 60 million credit investor to receive their BP, we have made the decision to invest 80 million. I have taken the liberty of wiring this money to you, and I pray that the pool will reach its goal soon. Best regards, Magnulus I logged into Eve, and saw that I had several messages in my in-game inbox. I clicked through each of them, and suddenly, my credit balance jumped from 6 figures to 9. 480 million credits. It was done! I had joined the greats, and became one of the illustrious and famed men who would forever live in Eve?s history. I was going to live another life, a life devoid of mining and trading! A life of grace and wealth and happiness! It was true. It was not a dream from which I would wake. The past was past. My muddied room now seemed gay, and in spite of all, I had done it. I transferred the credits to my alternate character, Tachz, and logged off. Staring at Nightfreeze?s face in the character selection screen, I wiped a single tear off my cheek as I clicked the ?delete? button. I picked up the phone and called Trazir. ?Hello?? ?Hey man, I?ve got some bad news. Are you sitting down?? ?Uh, no, hold on.? Seconds passed, and an even greater smile broke out across my face. ?Okay, what is it?? ?One of the investors figured out this was a scam. They all pulled out their money; we?re basically at ground zero again, dude.? ?GOD DAMN IT! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I WORKED ON THOSE FORUM POSTS? DO YOU? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I WASTED ON THIS SHIT?? ?Hey man, I?m just fucking with you. They all invested their money, I deleted Nightfreeze, and my Tachz is now the proud owner of 480 million credits.? A powerful silence passed over the phone. I hoped he wasn?t having an asthma attack. ?You might want to delete your character too man; once they find out we scammed them, they?re gonna be pissed. Very, very pissed.? ?Yeah. YEAH. FUCK YEAH. WE DID IT MAN, WE DID IT.? ?I know we did. I know.? Now we just had to figure out how to spend it. Epilogue "Okay," Trazir said, "send the money over to my new character, bro." I stared at the balance long and hard. 480,000,000. I was lost in thought, imagining all the possibilities that half a billion credits would bring me. Images of splendor and prosperity flashed in my head, rapid fire. I would be the commander of a fleet of battleships, and a harem of beautiful women would fawn over me every second of the day. And even if I were to die, they would resort to having lesbian sex with each other in front of my 40 foot shrine, forever worshipping my wealth in this life and beyond. The CEOs of the largest corporations and the GMs of the biggest servers would heel before my command, and I would have absolute dominion over every last atom in the universe. I would be God. "Dude? Come on, send it over." I couldn't hear him. I didn't WANT to hear him. The money was mine, wasn't it? It was my idea, wasn't it? What the hell had Trazir done this entire time, other than write a few message board posts? Why should he be deserving of my hard earned profits? "Um.... Hello? Are you there?" "Yeah, I'm here." I wanted to tear out his vocal chords and throw them out the window. I wanted to hear him scream for mercy, and say that I could have all the credits for myself. I wanted a lot of things. "So, you gonna wire those credits any time soon, or am I just going to have to come over there and make you send them? I really want that money man, come on, tell me you're gonna send it." "FINE!" I put 1 isk in the wire transfer box, and hit send. "Very funny. MAN, COME ON, SEND THE FUCKING MONEY." He was being roused from his normally copacetic state. Trazir was a big guy, and I had seen him before many a time under alcohol-induced rages. There was nothing scarier to me at that moment than a six and a half foot heavy-set man whose temper had been left at home. I placed 179,999,999 of my hard-earned isk of my in the wire transfer box and sent it. My heart sunk. "Awesome! Now that's what I'm talkin' about man. Thanks!" I had just been extorted to the tune of about $1000. No matter; I would doubtlessly make it back and more with the 300 million isk I currently possessed. I slipped back into fantasy mode, only this time, something wasn't quite right. I had my own battleship, only this time, there was no fleet. There was no harem of beautiful women wanting to jump my bones at any given moment of the day; instead, there was only one moderately attractive girl who seemed kind of interested in me. CEOs viewed me with respect and a touch of admiration, but the Gamemasters looked down upon all of us contemptuously. "Hey, can you send that money back for a second? I need to see it again, for, uh, corporate.... purposes. Come on, just let me see it, one last time." "FUCK NO! Do you think I'm stupid or something?" He laughed, and continued on. "Listen man, you have no idea how happy this makes me. But I've gotta go eat dinner now. We can talk later." Click. I stared, empty, into the far reaches of space. The newbie NPC trainer was repeatedly messaging my new character with instructions about how to play the game, filling my inbox to the brink with annoying, pointless messages. I readied my starter laser and fired a pitiful shot at the trainer; his shield integrity was down to 99%. The police wasted no time. Three cruisers were on me within seconds, and the very sight of them must have caused my newbie ship to quiver in fear and spontaneously combust, because nary a shot was fired before I respawned at the closest base, pod-death and all. Although I had the money, there was nothing fun I could do with it. My character had minimal skills and therefore could only pilot the shittiest of ships. It would be months before he would be sufficiently trained to pilot a battleship. In RPG weapon terms, my current ship was a rusty dagger, and the best ship I would be able to fly was an aging kitchen knife. I logged off Eve, and watched my desktop; my eyes wavered to the Trillian shortcut, but quickly averted themselves. I knew that if I entered any messaging programs, I would be quickly and brutally raped. My fragile emotional state was at stake. I opened it anyway. Ackbar's 3 holy words resonated through my brain as each program opened up. Thoggins was the first. Thoggins: Tell me something, Nightfreeze, WHY haven't you picked up the phone yet? AFRAID? I knew you would do something like this, you fucking scumbag. FUCK YOU! Nightfreeze: Thoggins! My dear old friend, how are you doing this eve? How's the girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have a girlfriend. You don't even have any money, because your ass just got scammed. Doesn't it taste good? Bitch. Thoggins: I swear to god, if I ever find you in real life, I will beat the everliving piss out of you, YOU LITTLE SHIT. Nightfreeze: Thoggins, my good man, why do continue to accost me? You gave me your money, fair and square, remember? Hahahahaahahahahahahahhahahah. Thoggins: Guess what, asshole? I was one of the earliest hackers in the 1980s. I KNEW Kevin Mitnick. Phone Phreaking is as secondary to me as skullfucking your daughter. I'm going to keep calling your house, OVER AND OVER, and the phone company will NEVER be able to trace the call. You're going down. I had had quite enough of Thoggins. I promptly clicked on the "block" button and prayed for the innocent voyeurs browsing the erotica section who would pick up the phone and be confronted by a screaming man threatening to kill for stealing his money. Oh well, shit happens. Neither Magnulus nor Jorpho had queried me yet, so I took the intiative by sending them both the same note and blocking them. Me: Hi there, buddy! I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for investing in the official ZZZZ Best Apocalypse Blueprint Pool. Unfortunately, a group of pirating ruffians ran off with the credits you so faithfully endowed to my organization. Since there was no insurance clause in the contract, I'm afraid that your investment is now gone forever. If you would like more information about my company, and a possible chance for reimbursement, go to google and do a search for ZZZZ Best. Cheers! Suddenly, he messaged me. The useless one. HardHead: Hey man, Thoggins has been telling all of us that you took the money and ran. He's wrong, isn't he? I've known you for months now man, I mean, hell, you have a family and everything, I know you wouldn't do something like that. So what's up? Why does it say "Character Doesn't Exist" when I try to send you messages in Eve? Nightfreeze: Hello friend! I'm gonna write something, so tell me, are you reading closely? HardHead: Yeah. What is it? Nightfreeze: I just scammed the fuck out of you. Hardhead: ...... HardHead: But why? Why would you do something like this? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. HardHead: Hell man, I LOANED YOU MONEY. I just don't understand, how could you DO THIS TO ME? HardHead: Jesus Christ... I don't even know how to respond... I hate to say it, but man, I'm almost crying right now. HardHead: I don't think I'll ever be able to trust another person again. Thanks man. Thanks. HardHead Logs Off There was nothing left for me in the barren wasteland of online chatting. I followed HardHead's example, and dismissed myself for the night. My eyelids trembled as if they felt the vast cyclic movement of the earth and her watchers, trembled as if they felt the strange light of some new world. Sunshine streamed through the window, and the shackles of duty slowly began to fall with each gradual upward movement of my torso. I leapt out of bed and stood straight, high, free! Eve was nothing more than a faded memory to me now; the world was calling me, and my soul was leaping at the call, to live, to err, to fall, to triumph, to recreate life out of life! "ENOUGH OF THIS DAMNED GAME!!" I shouted, my booming voice causing a freshly awoken dog to begin howling at the day. I jogged to my computer and started Eve Online. I flew my starter ship out to the closest asteroid field and struck up a conversation with a player named Frosttt. Me: Hi. What would you say if I were to offer you 300 million isk? Frosttt: id say it was pretty kool lol I wired the credits to him and logged off. I never logged back in again.


Dolemyte Commander Posts: 1116	Posted on Fri Jul 16, 2004 3:25 am Dude, we need to find this guy and recruit him. He's the shit. I wonder if Thoggins is the guy that called you about the career fair?
	Dolemyte Commander


werd Sergeant Major Posts: 129	Posted on Fri Jul 16, 2004 6:53 am You actually read that?
	BANNED


Slayer Tactical Officer Posts: 869	Posted on Fri Jul 16, 2004 7:31 am Reading is good for you, Word.


Slayer Tactical Officer Posts: 869	Posted on Fri Jul 16, 2004 7:32 am Oh yeah, haha. This message is for David... hhuuuuhhhhh hhhuuuuhhhh, huuuhhhh huuuuhhhh. I want my goddamn money back, hhhhuuuuuuhhh hhuuuuuuuuhhhhh.


Gearshift Intelligence Officer Posts: 346	Posted on Fri Jul 16, 2004 2:35 pm hey maybe this guy is the one who bank tipped me a million credits.. heh